I am writing to you on a very small incident that happened with me today ....An incident i would have ideally thought in my usual days of sprint at the office as ...."Good Lord...How can it be....", and in a few minutes...turn my anxiety meter into crash mode...and perhaps even crash..
Today it was different....I 've been working on this document for the past week ,sitting through days of reading and research, perched up on my chair,glued to my computer, cooped up in my space with papers and books piled around...particularly because the deadline expired few days ago....my Mind -she has been taunting me for it....but i 've been standing strong only with the hope that i will still be able to deliver the baby of my dreams .....
As i sat and worked , i found an interesting piece of information.I started reading, making myself a little more comfortable to get to the now placed book to the top, of the pile of papers in front of me.Wanting to note the points i had to flag, i started typing and a minute or so later, i fumbled on the keys.I looked up at what had come on screen.... all i cud see was a blank page infront of me, with only three words ....since i learned typing after i got introduced to a computer , i always look at the key board while typing and keep saving the file or put the machine on autosave mode....but this was just a couple of words there........for a second i remembered the new file i had opened to cut and paste few lines from this file, some minutes back.I looked for it, but only found the few lines i had pasted, i checked for other versions of the same file or filename , nothing...just nothing....as i froze and thought of the amount of information i had gathered, set into tables, and formats, the bit by bit data that i had culled out ignoring the pains that had started in my shoulders a couple of days back ...just thinking of the goal and the very fact that i was nearing it....
As moments slipped by and panic started rising .....my fingers groped for the mouse and i looked in for more files ....and more.... nothing........i just had to gather myself and think....not hard...but slowly without tampering anything before i took another step (in my panic) which might shut down even the slightest exisitng possibilities of retrieving anything left.....I sat back and took a deep slow breath and looked out of the window. Even as my Heart tried to calm me down, my Mind wouldn't ..... she was racing around looking into my memory trying to save and secure whatever that is there, as she feels in all likelihood , this will 've to be recreated....she was also worried about what will happen since i had already missed the deadline...and what will I tell to whom i report.....will i be able to do it all again....definitely not....it is going to be difficult..what a waste of time,energy and that too at the cost of health.....She was on her pessimistic height....when i was leaving her to her job...My Heart calmly told me to go on...I kept looking out for a few moments more .....until all i could see and hear was the streaming sun and the chirpy birds that flew around.......The acidic voice of my Mind was dying away....i was feeling much better...i heard myself asking, "God What am I going to do'".....no response....I frankly didn't think ,He will materialise infront of me and say something nice........and then a second later as i turned around and stared at the screen , an idea hit me, i went searching for the "edit" button.There it was , as i pulled the menu down, there was no button that helped with "Undo Typing "Command.., i heard her faint screaming at the back of my mind...she was coming back and i had to ignore her,...... i was deliberately slow, concentrating only on what i wanted to do .....moving further to look for the curved highlighted arrows.I saw the arrows but the sun coming in didn;t make it look like it was highlighted.I clicked ..nothing happened and then once, twice and then alpahbets started disappearing from the screen and then a totally blank page....and then an alphabet , a word, more words and soon all 18 pages of my hard work.
I sat there staring at the screen on what was perhaps an incident that filled about 5 minutes of my life and felt like 5 hours.......surprise, panic, tension, pain, anger, disbelief, ....i went through all of it...I know it 's not unusal for people to lose their work...but this was difficult for me to just let go because i had spent so much of my time and energy and health ...because i beleived in my Heart in what i was making...and i wanted to deliver my baby good..............Tears filled up my eyes, as i thought of the way God touches our lives, cautions our steps and at times just reminds us that "Look ....Am Here"....As i write this, i see my Heart smiling in her calmness, and my Mind, receeding into the shadows until another event strikes and panic rise....
